A letter to me

Dear me

As I start writing this letter many thoughts are running through my head about who I really am and why is it that I tend to be so hard on myself sometimes. I consider myself to be a very intelligent, genuine, and a nice young woman but sometimes I second guess my intelligence and that's when things go wrong. Deep down I know I am a very smart girl but I always get nervous and think that I am going to do a horrible job at everything that I do and more than half of the time it turns out that way because I just let my insecurities get the best of me. For example, when going to a job interview that I know I have the qualities and the experience that they are looking for I start thinking negative and start getting nervous and that's why I do so bad in interviews and that's why I feel like I should take it easy and be more secure of myself and know that I have whatever it takes to make it where ever I want. One thing that I hate about myself is that I am a very nice and friendly person and people tend to take advantage of me because of it. I am always the girl that you can come to and ask for any favors because I would not tell you no if I know that I am able to help you and since every one knows that many people in my life has taken advantage of my kindness. I have learned that I shouldn't trust no one and that I should look out for myself first no matter what. Many of my problems have been because I trust the wrong people but not any more, I will no longer trust any one and I will look out for my self before anyone else. There's a cruel world out there and very bad people that want to bring you down and you shouldn't let them. Another advice I give myself is to be a stronger person when it comes to emotional stuff. I always let my emotions get the best of me and end up hurting other people that I care about at times because I don't know how to control my feelings specially when I'm angry or sad. I am a very hard headed person and what I say that's what it is and I never want to look out side the box and listen to other suggestions because I always feel like my opinion and how I think is the correct way all the time and I know should start listening to others and be more open about things. Another thing that I hate about myself is that I let any little thing stress me out and make my day a living hell. When I do bad on a test, at work, an interview or even when something didn't come out the way I planned I get stressed out and act like the world is going to end instead of me facing the consequences and just telling myself that I am going to do better the next time and take it like a strong person. Finally, I think I have a lot of things on my mind that I don't let go and that's just hurting the person that I am and making me not be in peace with myself. One of the main things I feel like I should say good bye to is the thought and the memories I have of my mom's departure. I think that if I keep reminding myself of that day when my mom ran out and left us alone that I will never be completely happy and at peace with myself and most importantly I wouldn't help my siblings get over it either and be happy once and for all. With all of this said the best advice I can give myself is to be a strong person and to be the best that I can be and most importantly not the be so hard on my self and try not to let my emotions get the best of me.

P.S. Leave the past in the past because if you keep it in the present you would never be good with your self and you will not find true happiness.

My little sister's breakdown

Today I got home from work and found my little sister crying like never before. I went inside the room and asked her what was wrong with her. To my surprise she tells me the reason why she was crying was because she is tired of being without a mom and that she wanted to see our mother. Her reason for crying just crushed me because I thought we were all getting over the fact that our mother wasn't with us and that she is never going to be with us again. As she was explaining to me how she felt about the whole situation I started to understand where she was coming from because I felt the same way when I was her age. My sister is only 17 years old and she is heading to college next year. In my opinion this age is the most important age in a girl's life and that's when a girl needs her mom by her side the most because that's how I felt when I was getting ready to make my decision about college and everything that came with it. She expressed to me that she was tired of seeing all her friends with their moms and talking to them and hanging out with them that she feels like an outcast. "When I go to my friend's house and I see how her mom treats her and how much she takes care of her makes me want to cry" she said. "I want a mom that can wake me up in the morning to go to school and to make me breakfast and also to go shopping with me and most importantly to give me advice about guys and about life which I need desperately at this moment." She added. I told her that she knows that she can count on me with all the advice and help she needs for college and relationships advice but she told me that as much as she loves my advice it's not the same than coming from our mother and at that point I couldn't say nothing because she was totally right. I felt so bad because i didn't know what to do to make her feel better and it really hurts me because I knew what she was going through. When things like this happen that's what gives me strength to be the best that I can be and to show my sister how to move on and be a strong person no matter what because she looks up to me so much and she always tells me that I'm her role model and that just gives me more strength and pushes me to do the right thing. I know that this is something that my sister is not going to get over right away and that she needs time to realize that that's the way it is and that all she can do is push herself to succeed and to show my mom that we did it without her any way. Apparently my sister is having a lot of boy drama and friend drama at school and she wants to talk to somebody older like ''my mom" to give her advice and because she can't do that it gets her upset and depress just because she needs that person by her side. While sharing this bad moment I started crying with her because it breaks my heart to see any one I care about like that and it just saddens me because I didn't want her to go through that kind of pain because it is not a good feeling and since me and my big sister tried and are still trying our best to be a mom figure for my brother and my sister with the help of my wonderful grandmother it seems to not feel like the love a mom is suppose to give you and i understand her completely.

These couple of months have been so rough for me. It seems like everything I had secured such as family, friends, and boyfriend are slowly fating away because of my busy schedule. I have been having so many arguments with my boyfriend and my family and barely talk or see my friends. Ever since i took the semester off because of personal issues that i was dealing with my life has made a major twist. Last semester i took the semester off because there was too many things going on but i felt so empty and a loser because I wasn't going to school so I decided to go back to school which was this semester and take online classes. When i went to register for classes I thought that all the classes that i wanted to take were going to be available for me to take but that wasn't the case. I was only able to take one class because that was the only one that was available for my major which was writing for media. Since I am a junior I was required to take 12 credits or more to be able to get financial Aid so I had no more choice but to take 8 credit internship that required me to attend 3 days a week with no excuses. With that also came my job which i was working 4 days a week so I ended up booked for the whole 7 days that meant I worked Tuesdays, Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays, then went to my internship Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday to come home in a rush to be able to do my homework for my online class. Because of this i didn't have time to hang out with my friends or call them as much because I was always busy or see my boyfriend as much and most importantly spend quality time with my sisters and cousins so I was going crazy. Arguments between my boyfriend and I started getting worse and I was just getting more and more frustrated and a lone. I started waking up sad all the time and wishing i didn't have to go to my internship or my job. I was going through a really hard time just trying to settle myself down and understand that I had to get through this for myself and my future but they didn't understand that in fact my boyfriend, family and friends just questioned the fact why I was isolating myself from them and why i wasn't spending time with them and slowly my friends fated away. Of course family never leaves and they learned to understand that I just had a lot of responsibilities and when it comes to my boyfriend even though it is still hard I have been with him for 6 years and we have been through many ups and downs but I can honestly say he has never given up on me and sticks by my side no matter what and that's why I love him. Even though I am still going through stress and arguments here and there I am keeping my head up and doing what I have to do to finish all of this fast and with good grades.

What has this world come to?

Last night i was watching the news and i couldn't help but ask myself where has this world come to? in a 30 minute news episode about 5 abusive crimes against innocent people were shown. it makes me wonder if we should feel safe walking down the street any more even if we are right in front of our own house. It amazes me how some people could just do horrible things to others and not give a damn. in one of the news they talked about a woman that was murdered in the bathroom of a bar she was in last night. Another one was of a 16 year old kid that got shot 5 times on his back while he was on his way home from school and then another one of a guy that got robbed and then the robber took the man's car and run him over like robbing him wasn't enough. Hearing this makes me very upset and worried because there are bad people out there who are free and will not stop committing crimes until they get locked up. The reason why this is hitting me so hard now is because about a week ago my brother got jumped by 9 guys around our neighborhood and he was stabbed 4 times. My brother was just a normal kid that was on his way home from school and unfortunately he got stabbed and beaten just for his phone and an IPod. Nobody was with my brother when this happened and if it wasn't for a kid that was walking down the block and called the ambulance my brother would've been dead by now. He was bleeding uncontrollably and was unconscious do to all the blood he lost. It was March 5Th and I was at work and around 4pm I received a phone call from my grandmother crying hysterically telling me that my brother was in the hospital and that I needed to go as soon as possible. Many thoughts ran through my head and it was a feeling I have never felt before because I have never received a phone call that intense. I was so scared and worried about my brother that i just ran out and left to the hospital. As soon as my brother got to the hospital they had to do something immediately because of the amount of blood that he was losing. He got stabbed in his upper left arm, left side of his stomach, sliced on his face and almost got his pinkie cut off. When I saw my brother laying on that bed I just burst out crying, just the thought of losing my only brother got me scared to death. It was so bad that some of the meat from the inside of his arm was hanging out so the doctors had to do a double layer of stitches in that area because it was too deep. In total my brother had 63 stitches around his body because of some stupid kids that wanted to hurt him for no reason what so ever. Do to the injury of his stomach and the amount of blood that he lost my brother had to stay in the hospital for 3 days so that the doctors can keep an eye on him. It was very surprising the way my brother handled the whole situation because he was very brave throughout the whole process and wasn't complaining one bit even though he knew that he will be scar for the rest of his life. Going through this situation with my brother makes me feel insecure in my own neighborhood and scared that another one of my loved ones or even me will be the next victim. Now my brother is back home and is doing better than ever. He is healing really fast and has had a very positive attitude throughout this horrible experience. The crime scene in our neighborhoods is getting worse each day and you can't help but feel insecure and unprotected when walking down the street. It is unfair that some of these people are still running around free of crime and just looking for their next victim.

so hard to leave the past behind/ teen mom

Why it is so hard to leave the past behind? That is the question i ask myself all the time. It's crazy how some people can make mistakes and act like nothing happened. Today i spoke to my mom on the phone and while i was listening to her voice i couldn't help but remind myself of how much pain she put me and my siblings through. I remember like it was yesterday how my 2 sisters my younger brother and me sat in front of the house crying for my mother because she was no where to be found until we realized that she was gone. It was 1994 and i was living in the Dominican Republic with my mom, 2 sisters, and little brother while my dad was here in New York working hard for us. I remember waking up one morning and seeing that the house was a little quiet and that my mom wasn't there. It was a short time until we realized that my mom had left us alone and that she was never coming back. We didn't know that she had called our father so that he could come and pick us up and take us with him because she couldn't handle the pressure of having 4 kids at a early age. It has been almost 16 years since this happened but my mind can't seem to erase this situation that has hunt me for almost all my life. I just can't understand how can some mothers leave their children behind without caring if they're hungry or if they are safe. The first time we heard from my mother again was like 5 years after she had left and the thing that killed me the most is that she never mention a word about what she did nor ever gave us an explanation about the whole situation. I learned how to forgive because i forgave her even though she left me but i have never and will never forget what she did to us. My dad cried for years and years because of what my mother had done to us and till this day they haven't said a word to each other. The reason why i brought this story up is because of a show i watched not so long ago called "teen mom". In this show you see the life of 6 teen moms battling through life without money or any family members supporting them. All they had was their child and that made them happy. I just couldn't help but wonder why didn't my mom did that or felt that way for us, i guess not everybody is the same. Just like me and my siblings there are many more kids without a mother or a father going through a lot and suffering the lost of someone that was suppose to be there for the rest of their life. I know that Being a teen mom is very hard and stressful but it is not impossible and no mom should leave their child under any circumstances. I just have a very strong opinion about teen pregnancy, and a mother leaving her child. i jsut think that if you feel like you are not ready to take care of a child you should be more careful and protect yourself more with everything that you do because a child shouldn't be the victum of your own mistakes.